Re: Is MASM32 an evil Microsoft plot?

From: The©Wannabee# (faq_at_.@.@szmyggenpv.com)
Date: 11/15/04 

Date: Sun, 14 Nov 2004 17:43:23 -0800

On Sun, 14 Nov 2004 06:39:24 -0500, pH <high@cidity.level> wrote:

> On Sat, 13 Nov 2004 08:45:34 -0800, The Wannabee
> <faq@.@.@szmyggenpv.com> wrote:
>
>> På Sat, 13 Nov 2004 02:03:32 -0500, skrev pH <high@cidity.level>:
>>
>>> On Sat, 13 Nov 2004 01:02:22 GMT, "Ray M. Ransom" <ray@mîcôsÿêñ.com>
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>> Sitting here, somewhat incredulously... it seems that much has happened
>>> over the years...
>>
>> incredulity [Show phonetics]
>> noun [U]
>> He felt a sense of incredulity, anger and pain at the accusation made
>> against him.
>>
>> - Thanks for sharing PH. Thats great! And keep up the good work.
>>
>> Hehehe.
>
> Frickin net tards...

Thats my point. If thats how you feel, then why stay? Why dont you _add_
something for a change ?
I admit, freely, that my contributions to this NG, are sometimes, if not
all the time, quite lame, but you know what? The people who give me critic
for it, is allways the few retards like yourself, that doesnt add ZIPPO,
to keep this NG alive. You're just such a stiff upper lip, pH. you're a
whiner. your first post to this NG, in a long time, and its a complaint
about how you feel "incredulously" = anger an pain at accusations made
againt you. You just dont get it do you ? I bet my last cent, its because
you just take youself a tad too seriously there.

Life is short, ph. And its not allways a rosy cosy place. The way I see
it, I bet your are a pieceful and honerable man. Or at least, thats how
you see yourself. Well, look again. Calling people net retards, just
because they doesnt say the things you want them to say, in a post, that
nobody forced you to read, from an author you allready know you have no
likings for. Hmm. Is that the best you could do ? You _hate_ me pH. Why
dont you come out and say it ? You're disgusted and angry and sad, and
whatever. Why dont you take "Int 10"-Annie's advice ? Its just squiggles
on the screen. Thats all, it doesnt reflect, on the _ordinary "real
life"_. We are virtual here, and its really a blessing. We can experiment
with language, and ways to say things on the net, that we are deprived
 from expressing in "real life". In real life, we usually dont call people
"net retards" directly to their face. It happens, I admit, but its not
that common. Unless its a close friend.

The reason for my presens in here is tenfolds. First, I was raised by a
lunatic. Still a man, but in the eyes of many people he was real psyco.
Second, my teacher from 1-6 grade, was a female christian psyco, absorbed
with the really weird _fundamentalistic_ part of religion. A phony that
was obsorbed by christianity. The christian fundamentals absorbed her
whole life, and everything she said or did, was passing through this
filter of utter insanity. Everything she said or did, was in sync with her
oh so twisted religion, and when she said or did something it was
sanctioned by God, and that made it an absolute truth to her, and made her
say and do things that if it would be today, you would just want to have
her shoot. And you would call it a mercykill.

Now, in addition to this, when I was a kid, I was constantly beeing
herassed, mobbed, because my father was this psyco, that controlled
everything we said, everything we did. How we dressed, how we acted, how
we ate our food. He was allways there, trying to control us. He used
whatever tool he could to enforce his litle regime. Including belts, and
humiliations like bare ass whopping. He was really a gonner. Its a sad
thing, because he wasnt stupid. And in fact his father was not that much
of a nice man either. But anyway, because of theese two people, mainly, I
became a scared and silent kid. An outcast. A prime target for harassment
 from other boys. I never understood it, and luckily it passed when I was
about 14-18, when I first got my sexual experience, having two women in
bed at once. Later I got "popular" from selling stolen goods, tobacco and
sigarettes at school.

But my popularity was shortlived. When I was about 18-19, one day sitting
on the bus, staring at the mirror of my own face, in the reflection from
the buswindow, something broke through to the surface. I dont know what it
was. Only way to describe it was that I became aware that this reflection
starting back at me, was real. That I was a real person. A reality. A
human beeing, a meat popsticle with the possibility of dying. Dont know
what I thought. In past tense, i think it was caused by 5 years of heavy
drinking, smoking, gasoline sniffing. It was a wakeupcall, and I got very
scared. It was like loosing all your clothing. I became naked. All my
self-esteem, the little that was left, vanished, in an instant. And I
developed a serious personality problem. At school, when we should read
 from the book, in english class, my voice broke. I couldnt talk cleanly,
meeting nothing but laughter. I had no defence. My world, the one I had
known, or thought I had known, was collapsing around me, and my brain was
spending 99% of its capasity to try to regain self-control. I wasnt even
conserned with the reading, or other matters at all. I was getting the
feeling of slowly going insane, and there was nobody to help me or
understand. The gifts I got from my home, and from my early childhood was
no help to me.

I tried to talk to all my friends, I had quite a few. Nobody would
understand. Most people would just shake their head. Maybe say like Annie
: "Hehe" or like Betov : "you're diseased".

Today I would say, that what I was experiencing was simply "existential
crisis". At 18. It lasted until I was 30. Those 12 years, I consider 12
years in hell. And while it lasted, I wouldnt want that on anybody. And
there was no answers, and no help anywhere. I tried to talk to a lot of
people. Including friends and some shrinks. None of what they told me
_ever_ made a diffrence. In fact, the more they spoke to me, the more I
felt strongly, that theese people wore quite stupid, and that they couldnt
help me, in their wildest dreams.

Then I met with a few people doing meditations stuff. I took one that is
called "Dynamics". Its a very vital meditation, or really, an active
meditation. Its not really a meditation, but a preparation for meditation.
It had a servere and lasting effect on me. I was able to relive myself of
all stress and anger, from the day I was crippled, by my parent, and
during the longs years of anxiety, upto that day. I was again ready to
receive real love, to feel at ease with myself. To feel real real secure,
and balanced. No paranoia, just at ease with myself, like Neo, when he
absorbed the Agent, and the room sort of bowed...? In fact, I felt so
relaxed, that I started to sleep like a baby again. You know, that is like
sleeping deep, without dreams, and when you wake up you just stretches in
bed, and you know you have sleept like a God. And still, you are full with
energy and ready for a new day. To me, that was a long forgotten state.
And the contrast to what I was used to, was mindblowing.

During the following months, I learned a lot of things. First I learned
that most people are in this stressed state, most of the time. Because my
ruhe, was so deep, I never ever had a single thought. Not a single doubt
about anything. My mind was completly blank, like in an animal. My voice
cleared up, and got deeper, my ears got cleared, my eyes got better. I
tell you. I could see straight through the people. If I went into a disco,
I could see all the people there. If someone came over to hug another
person, I could see if it was honest gesture, or a fake one. I could see
them lying to each other. And you know. I could even see who loved their
spouses and who didnt. It was amazing. It was unreal. It was tremendous. I
was simply feeling like half a God. And my heart was wide open. It was
simply impossible for me to hate. Feeling so good about myself, so
energic, so secure, I lost allmost all needs. The funny part was, I who
used to attack women at the dancefloor, eager to put my hands on their
asses, I lost the need for women. Not for all women, but for most. Woman,
who I had earlier sworned wore sexy, they didnt mean nothing to me
anymore. I saw them on TV, the very best looking womens, and I saw
straight through them. What I was feeling, sitting around doing nothing,
allready felt like a thousands of orgasms. And an orgasm, just felt like
one. If you understand....

In the state I was, I was _temporarily_ a bit like Neo. Because I was no
more afraid, - fear never entered my mind - I could talk to anybody. I
could go talk to anybody. If some real giant man, (I am 6 feet +) myself,
came over to try to bulley me, I could completly disarm him, simply by
smiling to him, and give him a kiss. He would be totally disarmed in an
instant. My energy was light and intoxicating, and it allways seemed to
work. It was never a question if it would work. I knew it would work. I
could see what people thought and how they ticked, long before they would
approach me, and I never needed to plan how to act. It all came naturally,
and whatsoever I did, was done with a deep calm, and an inner knowledge,
that just extracted itself from my deeper beeing, without any need to
force it, or plan it or prepare it beforehand. In short, life wasnt good.
Life was Godly. Life was extremly well.

Now. I told you I lost my need for most women. I lost my hanger for sex. A
strange thing, because previosly I had allways had a great need and hanger
for sex. For instance, before I took that dynamics meditation, I was
constanly dreaming about fucking the female instructor. But within a few
days, I actually didnt want her at all anymore. My need was totally phony,
and subconsciously must have been something totally diffrent.

Anyways. There was really one woman that I truely loved. I think the
reason I loved her, was the things I had projected on her with regards to
my new experiences. I think I subconsciosly (still) must have made her the
responsible for my new life. I felt a deep , profound gratitude for her.
So heartfelt and deep, that it was impossible to express it with mere
words. But my need to express it was really growing. At the same time, my
ruhe, my inner ruhe and deep meditation was beginning to lose its power.
Because, living in an ordinary sosiety, like the western, it is simply
impossible to keep this state of mind, unless you can live with a group of
same conscience. Because there is so many stressed out people and we do
influence each other, to a strong degree. We are each others "agents". We
keep each other at bay. Nobody can stay connected, for real long, unless
they totally reject the moderns ways of living. This is why I hate modern
society and living.

Well. Becoming more and more back to my own self, allthough a much altered
personality, my needs to tell her how I felt, my inner extacy, my deep
gratitude, my many climpses still of how wonderful life can really be, and
could have been, if we could only have the clearity to see it. So I
started to send her SMS's. I dont know how many. Quite a few. Sometimes,
she answered. But In a moment of total insanity, I sent her a joke. It was
not my joke. It was a joke that came into my phone, allmost by accident.
It was a very very perverted joke. A sick joke. But, if you are an
ordinary person, sick is sometimes equated to fun, so if you wanted to
laugh at it, you could. It was funny, in a sick kind of a way. But it was
not the right person to send it to. I will regret sending that joke, for
the rest of my life. What I wanted to express to her, was not a personal
love, like in "lovers", it was gratitude. A deep heartfelt gratitude, that
she was the one that helped my wake up, and to loose the last 12 years of
insanity and anxiety. It was nothing but deeply felt, friendly love. And
what I wanted to express to her was gratitude. Not this stupid joke. She
cut all bonds. This was the woman that had took care of my bodily
wellbeeing, through massages and mediations gatherings for the last couple
of years. She had hugged me many times, and allthough we worent close,
like lovers are, and that I never even considered it, she had just told me
a week before that yes, we had some spesial connection. (I had told her, i
"felt such enourmous love, when she was present". ( A mentally radiating
love. No words can really explain it. You probably know how it feels,
otherwise your couldnt have played such a decent guitar?).

She cut off all connections. But I was very surpriced at her reactions.
She told me she wouldnt want a single message, a letter, a phone, no
nothing. Otherwise, she would call the cops. It killed me.

I knew I was dead before I put down the letter. I also knew I was going to
survive, long enough to regret it. She was the only person I ever knew,
that I couldnt find any faults in. That was not a fake, but was a genuine
person. Or at least thats what I thought. And while the letter was burning
in my ashtray, I realized a few things. First, i realized that the pain
would be swallowed by the gifts of mediation. I knew that I could get over
this in a week. And that I could forget the whole things easily. That I
could be perfectly happy, even laughing at the whole thing. I knew that
the new understandings I had gotten, was ,much to powerful to be killed
off by a letter. I rationalized in all sorts of ways. But in fact, it was
allready happening. The uttermost love, turned into the uttermost hate. I
had periods where I could tell myself, that I didnt hate her, but I did.
Frankly I have burned her at the stakes for millions of times in a million
of dreams. Pictured I poored gazoline over her body, and just lighted it.
Screaming with joy as she dies the ultimate horrible death. Because that
day, she planted a cancer in my body, and all she needed to do to get rid
of me was to explain what I did wrong, and to just tell me gently that
with her mental state and balance, she couldnt take such insane jokes. She
could have done anything else. She told me there had been hints. But there
hadnt really been any. She probably thought so, and she may have sent
them, but I think she didnt make it quite clear, telling my a week before,
that yes, we had some form of connection.

I guess I discovered for the first time in my life what it really means to
loose somebody. I never knew from before. During the following months and
years, I grew to understand why people had the need to ridicule me. Why
they had the need to put me down. Because I now felt the need to put down
someone else. And I forgave them. In fact, my whole perspective of life
turned 180 degrees. I started to repects assholes, and hate beggers.

I started to feel the need to grow an *** within. I wanted to pay back
my pain. Not only the pain of loosing Her, but also the pain I had
accumulated through the years. The many mistakes, the family love that was
never there. The betrayal of a sick sosiety that tells us to worship
money, and a sick perverted needy God. I started feeling the need to harm
people. Of course, it was a psysical need as well as a mental need. But so
far, I have managed to keep it a mental need, and to limit abusing of
other to emails or chat. Yes. I turned into an ***. And I like it. I
feel sorry for the people who gets in the way. But I actually want you too
feel my pain. Somehow.

In time, maybe the pain will decrease. So much as that I can begin to
belive in something again. Now I have nothing. I actually want to die.
Sometimes I crave to die. But its not all sadness either. I have found one
mission in life. One that I can truely put my heart in. And that would be
to one day find a way to express a sentance or two, which contains truth.
So far, I have never witnessed truth. Or at least, I have never been able
to speak the truth. I will customize this art, for as long as I will live.
It will become my mission. And you know what, in the process, many people
will get hurt. Because thats what happens with truth it hurts. And I will
try to cause as much hurt as I can telling the truth, Just like you when I
tell you you're a retard as well. And you know what? I dont care. I want
you to hurt. I have been told there is no god. If there was, it would be
the target of my pain. But lacking a God, until my wounds have healed, I
will throw my pain at "you". And I dont really much care who gets hurt or
not. I only make exceptions for REAL people. Phonies and fakes, get the
full broadside. Because what you dont disserve, I dont diserve. Pain in /
pain out. You are all a bunch of fucking liers anyhow. You dont really
deserve beeing treated with respect.

But. Hehe. Words are words. Squiggles on the Screen as Int10-Annie says.
Maybe this letter was all a sick joke. Maybe I didnt speak a word of
truth. Maybe I just dont giva ***. Maybe I am the "agent". The agent of
lies. The agent of caos and confusion.

Maybe to your christian stuckup sick litle mind, I am the evil. If thats
what you think, then know this truth : You are deseased too. And you have
no choise but to fight this desease, and tr y to help healing all the
other assholes that shares this belifes. This sick and diving idea that
theres someone who is good, and someone who is bad, when its nothing but
fear fear fear.

Hehehe. Our own now long dead Ibsen I think it was that said : "Løgn og
forbannet dikt". A wise man that Ibsen. How could you ever know ?

> Jeff
> http://www.jefftturner.com

Each day from now on and until I die, I will tell myself this : Knowing
that I can die, any day, can I really afford not saying whats _really_ on
my mind ? 

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