OT: The Ultimate in Outsourcing

From: Alistair Maclean (alistair_at_ld50macca.demon.co.uk)
Date: 10/07/04 

Date: Thu, 7 Oct 2004 15:26:21 +0100

OUTSOURCING OF JOBS REACHES THE PRESIDENT

by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill

Washington DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President of
the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as
of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to
save not only a significant portion of the President's $400K yearly
salary, but also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead. "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost
savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds
(R-Wash). Reynolds, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting
Office), has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We
cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current
level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email
this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been
underway for some time. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices,
Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President of the United
States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his
parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for
the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no
health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be
able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to
the time difference between the US and India, he will be working
primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express
call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday." A
Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will
enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this
tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the
underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated
the Spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment
benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and
prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush
may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited
practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Army
National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be
stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know
all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the
country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport non-smoking terminal and gift
shop. Sources in Baghdad and Fallujah say Mr. Bush would receive a warm
reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details
of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome. 

-- 
Alistair Maclean
For Entropy is a harsh mistress.
- Stanislaw Lem

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